Blah-blah-blah.

Привет.

Сначала я вела этот ЖЖ на английском, потом он и вовсе был "заморожен" на много месяцев. Но я опять почувствовала желание (и, может, потребность?) писать здесь.
Только сейчас большинство записей будет открыто посвящено ЕД, с которым у меня довольно длительные и непростые отношения. В старых записях тоже есть много слов об этом, но я не хочу больше пугать и расстраивать друзей, которые всё это время пытались меня вытащить из этого болота, поддерживали, уговаривали, обнадёживали... Они очень помогали, но сейчас не тот период: я уже не ищу путей к выздоровлению, я просто привыкла к мысли о том, что ЕД - хроническая и, наверное, неизлечимая болезнь, с которой нужно научиться жить.

В общем... Здесь будет откровенный ЕД (и не только) блог.
И... I need friends :)

Поэтому, если кто-то хочет, добро пожаловать! :)

Ну и, в общем-то, паранойю ещё никто не отменял :)

Nothing left. There's nothing left but painful emptiness.
Nothing left inside, nothing left of me but a shadow of someone I once was.
Right, people change. I've changed as well. Into nothing.

This very word is pounding in my head, heavily and persistently, like a hammer.
This word is throbbing in my temples, accompanying every heart-beat, every pulse-wave.
This word is flowing through the finest vessels, like poison mixed with the blood.

Nothing.
That's the word, that's the word.

It's what my life has become, it's what I have become, it's what everything around me has turned to.
... has turned into ashes. No, not even ashes. Nothing. Emptiness.

It feels like something she has sucked all the life out of my arteries and veins, replacing the blood by nothing. It feels like something she (it?) has sucked all the life out of me, leaving just a shell, full of nothing. A shell, a shadow - and nothing else. Nothing more than that.
It feels like it'll never be different anymore, like I'll never feel something inside, like I'll never find all that I've lost. Never find anything it's taken away from me, stolen from me.

Parents? I see them ten minutes a day - enough said. University? I simply spend my time there, I'm not enthusiastic anymore, I just couldn't care less. I haven't read anything for my classes since the very beginning. Friends? I hadn't walked the streets of my city for a month, a month - unbelievable, before Dima miraculously managed to drag me out of my cell room. Guys? Ha, it's not even funny anymore.
I'm interested in nothing. I want nothing. I feel almost nothing. I have no goals. I have no plans. I have no life.
I have nothing inside. I feel empty. I've never felt so lost, desperate and lonely. Never. I'm driven to the point where everything seems to be too ruined to be restored.
I have no strength and no motivation to restore anything.
I want to close my eyes. Go to sleep. And disappear, as if I've never existed at all.
I wish I've never existed, I see no point in it, I see no point in anything.

It's sucked the life out of me. It's stolen my self-confidence, at first. Then it's stolen such unnecessary stuff as 'flirt', 'guys' and all that comes with it. It's stolen health, mostly - mental; many friends, enthusiasm in studying. And now it's stolen everything I've ever had. I haven't seen my best friends for ages, for more than a month and it's crazy, it's something I refuse to believe.
I haven't been interested in anything for a long time. I haven't enjoyed anything for a long time, not even my summer-vacations.

I'm living in vacuum.
And, what's worse, there's vacuum inside.
There's nothing around and nothing inside.

I feel so empty that it hurts.
I feel so empty that it makes me wanna scream at the top of my lungs, scream till I lose my voice. It wouldn't be a 'cry for help', it would be a cry of frustration and despair, for I don't WANT to do anything, I don't WANT to be helped, being too exhausted, too worn out. I don't want to do anything anymore, I'm too tired.

I want to close my eyes.
I want to have never been born.

Never thought emptiness could hurt so much.
So much.

I want something, but can't understand what exactly it is.
It's very unsettling, somehow disturbing; it makes me feel uneasy.
Maybe I should just go to the swimming pool and do 1,25 km there.
It's a great way to stop thinking about everything and just relax (mentally, of course).

Maybe it'll go away as soon as I meet Kate and Karina this evening.
We're gonna have a party, and it's gonna be a Bailey's party for me :)
'Cause I don't think I'm in the mood (or in the state) for vodka :P

There are days when nothing is the way I want it to be, when all my plans are ruined and when Lady Luck obviously turns not-her-best-part-of-the-body right to my face.
Today's been one of the days when nothing goes according to the plan.

It feels like this:



First of all, we had an appointment with Nan - wanted to go for a walk, then have dinner in a cafe and watch a movie in the evening. Suddenly she said she couldn't, so I had to come up with something else to keep myself entertained.
Then I called mom and she agreed to have some sushi (sorry, Daz) for dinner, I had to wait a couple of hours in the City and then pick her up. When it was time for me to go and I was already sitting in the car, she called me and said she couldn't go. 
The-e-en, I decided to go and have dinner alone. My feet were sore and hurt like hell so I could hardly walk.
Turned out, I had no money for dinner, so I had just a glass of ice-tea. Just peachy 8-)
I ended up with just a portion of my favourite fat-free quark (=65 kcal) for the whole day.
Not that I mind, of course, but after all, I had planned on having at least some salad.

Anyways, everything else was just great :)
I exercised in the morning, swam 1.5 km, texted Myra, wrote her a letter, had some delicious ice-tea, had a walk around the City.

BTW, Dad's the only friend that never lets me down. He went to the cinema with me and then took me to a cafe where I had one more cup of tea 8-) The 5th of 6th for today, I guess, lol.
Anyways, the movie was kinda sucky, so it was a disappointment as well, but a very minor one :P

Ye know, I still managed to have a good day :P
But all this pile of disappointments... it's kinda weird and funny at the same time :P

OK, today I can't get rid of a very peculiar feeling of being in the 'Boiling Point' on MTV.
First of all, my morning started at 3 a.m. 'cause of my old dear friend insomnia and it set the great mood I'm in for the whole day, I guess. Then dad called me and said I had to drive to our new flat that's being built, but I had to be there 10 minutes later and dad had simply forgotten to warn me beforehand. Fine, there I was, annoyed and hardly brushed, but the guy I had to meet was half an hour late, oh what a jerk.
Fine, then I wanted to buy a new outfit for sports and had to drive to the center of the city. Damn it, the center of the city majorly sucks at noon, because there're too many cars and too little space and absolutely no free parking-places. I kept driving in circles and decided to go home, disappointed. But too many roads were just blocked, I couldn't turn where I had to turn and kept... guess what?.. driving in goddamn circles around the goddamn city in these goddamn traffic jams.

There're so many idiots on the roads right now, they're slow, they're driving 40 km/h, no really, why the hell 40? OK, I wanted to go home but changed my mind and wanted to push my luck. My luck pushed me back. I finally saw a free space for parking but rotten cops got right into that only free place and I was left with nothing yet again.

More traffic jams, more idiots on the roads, some of them almost colliding with me. I wonder why? Can't they notice a Citroen C5, is it too small nowadays? Or do these jerks just ignore their mirrors? I guess the latter. Ugh. I wanted to kill everyone.
Oh, and pedestrians. THE pedestrians that kept crossing wherever they wanted and wherever no one expected them to. I wanted to ride them over, prophylactically, you know.

Oh, and the diesel I got into my dear car a couple of days ago turns out to be total shit. Or urine. I have no idea what they make it of nowadays, but my car behaves like a tractor, uttering low grumbling and taking much more time than usually to gain speed. Damn, that's what's annoying me most of all, 'cause when I want to leave a particularly stupid crossroad, I need my speed. 

I was seriously fuming when I finally realized I had no choice. I had to drive home, 'cause no shopping was an option. Unless, of course, I left my car somewhere in the middle of the traffic jam. Driving home wasn't too nice either 'cause of the roadworks, more idiots and more pedestrians. 

No sport-outfit and no mood. 
Oh, and there was a huge and shiny LandCruiser Prada playing 'Formula1' with me for no reason, it was annoying as well but I had to play along, I always do 8-)

When I was driving home, I had only one idea throbbing in my temples: chocolatechocolatechocolatechocolatechocolate and even more chocolate. I expected coming home, sitting into the armchair, taking a huge chocolate bar and killing myself with it.
When I came home, I tried to get ahold of myself, I knew I could at least try to do it. I had an idea formed in my head, I knew it could spoil everything, and I also knew I could try to fight it.

I took that chocolate bar, ladies and gentlemen, stared at it and realized it was pure Evil. Put it aside and went to the kitchen to get some tea.

Boiling-point again! Someone had rearranged all my containers with tea! I guess, Mom did it in the morning while looking for 'Earl Gray', but oh dear, I have a very special attitude towards MY tea! Not that I am greedy, but I need it to be all arranged in a particular order 8-) OK, nevermind, an obsessive-compulsive moment here.

However, what I wanted to say... :)
Instead of ruining my life with chocolate, I'm drinking the second cup of Jasmine Green Tea, listening to Placebo and planning on going for a run and then for a swim in the pool.
Yay for smart choices.

But I was close to having a tantrum, that's for sure.

You know what, guys?
It feels weird. It really feels weird.

I'm losing (have lost?) touch with all of you, I'm losing (have lost?) friends, I'm losing chances and opportunities, just letting them slip right through my fingers. I'm losing time, I'm losing this summer, I'm losing something I haven't even acquired yet, I'm losing (have lost?) the game, on the whole. And I've lost myself long ago, not that I cared 'bout that anymore.

This place used to matter quite much to me, it was important, I was in need of it.
This LJ felt kinda cozy, you know? It used to be a place that I could come to and ask for support, vent or share some joy - anything I felt like doing.
Now I come here and this whole journal just feels... stale. Abandoned. Old and starting to rot.
Like something good that was once forgotten, left somewhere in a dark corner. 
There're good memories, there're many entries I like re-reading, but... damn, this LJ looks dead. It feels dead to me.

And yet it makes me feel upset, uneasy. It's something good I had and then deprived myself of, for no reasonable reasons. 
I would hate to lose touch with you, girls. 
Myra, Mands, Lyz, Daz, Ans, Han - today I've written postcards for you, I'm gonna send them tomorrow or the day after, asap, 'cause I feel very guilty for having disappeared like this, with no explanations. I just don't wanna lose you. I miss you, and that's sincere.

Now 'bout this LJ.
I used to be very sincere here.
And now my entries appear once a month, that sucks. 
'Cause I used to have something I liked, and then I decided to take it away from myself.

No idea. I wanna keep going, wanna keep writing here, but I'm not sure whether it has any sense anymore.

I just wanna know.
There're 'friends' in my friend-list, but I wonder who really reads this stuff.
PPL, say a word if you read this LJ.

Thanks :)

I typed a post and then deleted it.
I both want and don't want to talk about it.

Fine, I won't then.
I have to get up in 2,5 hours.
It's not dark outside anymore.

I'm tired but there's no sense in going to sleep anymore.
Insomnia always comes on the second day.

I'm not a lost case, as it turns out. 

No idea how, but I passed all these exams even though they're believed to be the most diffucult during the whole 6 years of studying. No idea what happened, but not only I passed them, but did it unexpectedly well. Going to almost all of these exams I hoped just to pass them, at least with a 4, just not to fail, 'cause a failure and a retake could've killed me for sure. I knew that a single retake would break me and destroy all the remains of self-confidence I had left. I've had no retakes in my life and I don't plan to have any. Ever.

I don't know what happened to the sequence of planets or whatever-the-hell, but I got 8 points for 'basics of inner diseases', 8 for 'pathologic physiology', 8 for surgery, 9 for 'pathologic anatomy', 9 for pharmacology. I still refuse to believe my eyes when I see these marks in my credit-book. I scored '8' in three exams and '9' in two, these two being the most difficult ones.

And I didn't even study that much. Lady Luck turned her face towards me for a change. Thanks, Lady Luck, I appreciate that, I really do.
Seeing your face is much better than facing your ass and misfortune all the time :P

Anyways, if I have to 'straighten a few things out' (c), then I've surely done it in one aspect of my life: University. I can relax and enjoy holidays till September, with no worries and no stress concerning Uni, studying and all this shit. I'm free. Hoorah ;)

However, I already know my 'next goal' and I'd better achieve it, 'cause if I don't, I won't be able to enjoy holidays at all. I mean, unless I'm a whale (and I hope I'm not), I don't want to look like one. I am not a whale wanna-be, you know? So, knowing my next goal, I'm not gonna lose time and nerves. At least I'll try to. 
I can, can't I? I was (?) strong, at least some people used to tell me I was. I hope I still am. I hope it's still there.

And... I will keep going to psychotherapy, despite yesterday's group-session. It kinda sucked, it was hardly understandable (I have no idea why they acted that way, really). But it deserves a special entry.

Fine, at least, I started studying.
Instead of being a "fat lazy idiot", I'll be just a "fat idiot", without the word 'lazy', 'cause I've already read 85 questions. Need to get up at 6 or 7 a.m. tomorrow and read 90 more. Yay, I haven't been lazy today. But I'm still fat and ugly and I still wanna disappear, just as always. Nothing ever changes, fuck it.

Nothing ever changes.
I wanna be locked in a cell with a treadmill and with no food in it, at all. For a couple of weeks.
Just an empty cell, a treadmill and water, perhaps - tea. Ah, dreams, sweet dreams, damn them.

Anyways, hoorah.
He uploaded our photos. Guess what? I look good only in one of them.

In this one:

Don't I look just perfect? *rolleyes*

I'll do anything, anything instead of studying pathophysiology.
This time-killer is from Daz =) 

Info
[  ] I am shorter than 5'4.
[+] I think I'm ugly sometimes. (quite often, in fact)
[  ] I have many scars.
[  ] I tan easily. (I wish I could)
[+] I wish my hair was a different color. (yeah, I hate my natural colour: it's too boring and ugly)
[+] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[  ] I have a tattoo.
[+/--] I am self-conscious about my appearance. (mostly it depends on my weight :P)
[+] I have/I've had braces.
[  ] I wear glasses/contacts.
[+] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[+] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[ ] I have more than 2 piercings.
[ ] I have piercing in places besides my ears.
[+/--] I have freckles. (I used to have many, but now they're kinda vanishing)

Family/Home Life
[+] I've sworn at my parents.
[  ] I've run away from home.
[  ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[+] My biological parents are together.
[  ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[+] I want to have kids someday.
[  ] I've had children.
[  ] I've lost a child.

School/Work
[  ] I'm in school (nope, at Uni already)
[  ] I have a job
[+] I've fallen asleep at work/school
[  ] I almost always do my homework.
[+] I've missed a week or more of school. (I've missed 2 months and not even once :P)
[  ] I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years
[  ] I failed more than 1 class last year
[  ] I've stolen something from my job
[  ] I've been fired

Embarrassment
[+] I've slipped out an "lol" in a spoken conversation. (ye-e-eah... as lame as that.)
[+] Disney movies still make me cry.
[ ] I've peed from laughing.
[+] I've snorted while laughing. (what? :P)
[+] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[  ] I've glued my hand to something.
[  ] I've had my pants rip in public.

Health
[  ] I was born with a physical or mental disease/impairment
[+] I've gotten stitches/staples
[+] I've broken a bone. (what about 2 during 1 summer? :P)
[  ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[+] I've sat in a doctor’s office/emergency room.
[  ] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
[  ] I had a serious surgery.
[+] I've had chicken pox.

Traveling
[+] I've driven over 200 miles in one day. (yeah, and proud of it! :P)
[+] I've been on a plane. (more than 60 times)
[+] I've been to Canada.
[  ] I've been to Mexico.
[  ] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[  ] I've been to Japan.
[  ] I've celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[+] I've been to Europe.
[  ] I've been to Africa.
[+] I have lived in another country. (15 times x 2 months each time - does it count?)
[  ] I have lived in another continent.

Experiences
[+] I've gotten lost in my city.
[+] I've seen a shooting star.
[+] I've wished on a shooting star
[  ] I've seen a meteor shower.
[  ] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[+] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[  ] I've kicked a guy where it hurts.
[  ] I've been to a casino.
[  ] I've been skydiving.
[  ] I've gone skinny dipping. (ok, here I confess: I have no idea what it means :P anyone, translate it for me? :P but if it has the word 'skinny', I guess I might've done it 8-))
[+] I've played spin the bottle.
[  ] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[  ] I've crashed a car. (NOOO!!!)
[+] I've Skiied.
[  ] I've Snowboarded.
[  ] I've been in a play.
[  ] I've met someone in person from myspace.
[+] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[  ] I've seen the Northern lights.
[+] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[  ] I've played chicken
[+] I've played a prank on someone.
[+] I've ridden in a taxi.
[  ] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[+] I've eaten sushi. (yeah, I used to LOVE sushi!)

Relationships
[+] I'm single.
[  ] I'm in a relationship.
[  ] I'm engaged.
[  ] I'm married.
[  ] I've gone on a blind date.
[  ] I've been the dumped more than the dumper.
[+] I miss someone right now.
[+++] I have a fear of abandonment.
[  ] I've gotten divorced.
[+++] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[  ] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[  ] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[+] I've kept something from a past relationship.

Sexuality
[  ] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[  ] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[+] I am a cuddler.
[+] I've been kissed in the rain.
[  ] I've hugged a stranger.
[  ] I have kissed a stranger. (when you know a name, it doesn't count as a stranger, does it? :P)

Honesty/Crime
[+] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.
[+] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[  ] I've snuck out of my house.
[+] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[+] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[+] I've cheated while playing a game.
[+] I've cheated on a test.
[+] I've run a red light.
[  ] I've been suspended from school.
[ ] I've witnessed a crime.
[+] I've been in a fist fight (yeah, a couple of years ago, with a nasty girl :P it was a funny cat-fight 8-))
[  ] I've been arrested. (almost)

Drugs/Alcohol
[+] I've consumed alcohol.
[  ] I regularly drink. (not regularly, but sometimes - quite much)
[+] I've passed out from drinking.
[+] I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
[+] I've smoked weed
[+] I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them.
[  ] I've eaten shrooms.
[  ] I've popped E.
[  ] I've inhaled Nitrous.
[  ] I've done hard drugs.
[+] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[sometimes it's hard] I can't swallow pills.
[  ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[  ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[  ] I have been diagnosed with one or more anxiety disorder.
[+++] I shut others out when I'm depressed.
[  ] I take anti-depressants.
[+] I'm anorexic or bulimic. (haha, aren't you shocked by this unexpected news? 8-))
[+] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[+] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[+] I've woken up crying. (though mostly I fall asleep crying)

Death and Suicide
[  ] I'm afraid of dying.
[+] I hate funerals. (I was only to one and I don't want to witness any more)
[close] I've seen someone dying.
[  ] Someone close to me has attempted suicide.
[  ] I've planned my own suicide.
[  ] I've attempted suicide.
[  ] I've written a eulogy for myself.

Materialism
[  ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[+] I own an iPod or MP3 player.
[  ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[  ] I own multiple designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
[+] I own something from Hot Topic.
[  ] I own something from Pac Sun.
[  ] I collect comic books.
[+] I own something from The Gap.
[ ] I own something I got on e-bay.
[ ] I own something from Abercrombie.

Random
[  ] I can sing well. (I can sing, but I can't do it well :P)
[  ] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[NO!] I open up to others easily. You ask me a question I'm most likely going to answer it.
[+] I watch the news.
[+] I don't kill bugs.
[+] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[+] I curse regularly. (yeah, and sometimes I even get told off by my groupmates 'cause of that 8-))
[+] I sing in the shower. (used to, but now I'm hardly ever in the mood for it :P)
[+] I am a morning person.
[  ] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[+] I'm a snob about grammar.
[  ] I am a sports fanatic.
[+] I twirl my hair.
[  ] I have "x"s in my screen name.
[+] I love being neat.
[  ] I love Spam
[  ] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day.
[  ] I bake well.
[+] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue
[  ] I've worn pajamas to school.
[  ] I like Martha Stewart.
[+] I know how to shoot a gun. (but I'm not good at it, though sometimes I hit the goals :P)
[+] I am in love with love.
[NO!!!] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[+] I laugh at my own jokes.
[  ] I eat fast food weekly.
[  ] I believe in ghosts.
[  ] I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
[+] I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[  ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[  ] I am really ticklish.
[  ] I love white chocolate
[+] I bite my nails. (when I am nervous or depressed - yes :-/)
[  ] I play video games.
[+] I'm good at remembering faces.
[  ] I'm good at remembering names.
[+] I'm good at remembering dates.
[+++] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.

[+] All of those are answered honestly

Damn. 2 days till pathophysiology, 176 questions and I haven't opened anything yet. I am such a lazy-ass, damn it.

I wish I knew what I want.
Sometimes my wishes are in severe contradiction.

First of all, there're so many reasons and so many explanations as to why I can't afford any relationships now, there're so many obstacles that I strongly believe I'm not meant for relationships at all, at least not now. Not yet.
Secondly, haven't I said (a hundred times or more) that I don't wanna start anything now because I have much other stuff to worry about? Haven't I said that there's too much cobweb in my head and I can't let myself get even more entangled in anything?
Thirdly, don't I know that he's not really "the one"? I'm not madly in love (duh!), I'm not even... not even what? I'm not even sure that I want
a) anything
b) with him
c) now.

But then why do I get all dressed up? OK, great, it's a normal wish to look one's best and be attractive.
Fine, then why do I spend hours and hours till 1 a.m. with him, just walking in the park, driving (and doing it quite dangerously, as well - to show off), letting him drive my car (just to see him showing off in front of me, of course :P), why do I feel a couple of butterflies fluttering in my stomach? Not because I hardly ate anything yesterday, not because of that, I'm sure.

He's a kid, but he's kind. And funny, and he was a bit different yesterday. Or was I ready to see him differently? No idea.
I don't know why those butterflies kept fluttering in my stomach, I don't know why the 'date' lasted till 1 a.m., I don't know why he couldn't say good-bye to me for fourty minutes and why, having finally (!) said 'bye' after that long prelude and gotten into his own car, followed me to my home, even though he lives in an opposite direction. OK, when I didn't have a car, he used to give me a ride. But when I do have a car, why does he follow me? :P BTW, driving like that was cool. 100 km/h in the city - thankfully, there were no pedestrians on our way.

Anyways, I kinda let him go half a year ago (oh my, was it that long ago? O_o) 'cause he had a gf and I didn't want to mess into their business. Moreover, I had other problems to worry about.
And now he's trying to get me back. Or not? I guess, yes, because I can hardly call all these hugs and touches 'friendly'. And damn it, I feel quite uneasy, because I enjoyed the date. Everything - the walk, driving, jokes, and these hugs and touches. It was cute.

I'm not sure I need it, though.
But, after all, if I want it - then what do I lose? Nothing.

I simply don't wanna depend on anyone. But why not have some relationships-light? :P
It's time to start living, finally. I've been in this rotten anabiosis for a damn long time.

And (about contradictory wishes) I don't know whether I wanna go back down, lower than 50 again. 'Cause I am heading right there, eating 500-600 kcal a day, yesterday - lower than 200. Damn it, I know it's wrong, I know that's not what I am trying to do (or is it?..), I am kinda supposed to do everything differently, I'm kinda supposed to recover, not to relapse. But I feel comfortable now and enjoy the feeling.

Moreover, I'm not really thin and definitely not skinny. I'm just normal. Ordinary.
I keep telling myself that things are different now, that everything's changing - and it really is, I want to believe, but then why's the neverending wish to lose weight is still here? It's not going anywhere, it's still in my head, 24/7. But maybe I feel better and more optimistic now. Maybe it's a bit different, after all.

I wish I knew what I want.

1: "I'd love to have grilled trout, but, please, with no potatoes. Only fish, no dressing, no potatoes".
Waiter: "O_o... Sure".
2: "And this fish for me, but don't add oil there. I know you have olive-oil, but I'm allergic to oils, so add none, please. Only fish and vegetables, no oil!".
Waiter: "O_o... Fine".

2: "And a cup of Espresso for me, no sugar needed".
1: "Yeah, and a cup of 'Italian Almond' tea, but no sugar, please!"
Waiter: "O_o"

Poor guy.
ROFL.
Really, poor guy. But he was rather sweet :P

"OMG, could you bring me grilled salmon, but no salmon please! Don't add salmon!!!"
"YES!!! And bring me some tea, but without tea! Don't forget! No tea in my tea!"

LMAO.

Oh, dear. It's great to have someone like you. Someone who understands.
Someone who's sweet and caring, someone who won't give up.

You know, I'm sure that one day we'll have grilled salmon WITH salmon and a cup of tea WITH tea added.
'Cause we never give up, do we? =)
And these are our first steps, but we just shouldn't be in a hurry. We can't get it done momentarily, right you are :)

I've had a wonderful evening.
WITH a wonderful evening in it ;)

I got a driver's license.

С удовольствием сменю Минск на Лондон.
http://www.promenyal.ru/

A bird woke up and started chirping merrily. It's 5:20 a.m. and I haven't slept this night.

I try to type, but then erase everything I've come up with.
Much has changed and much is changing, while much is still the same.
I have feelings I can neither explain nor share, so I am saving them for myself.

Most of them make me feel warm inside, because my life has been changing lately.
I've been making important decisions, I'm changing the way I look, I've changed it quite much already, I'm trying to change not only outside, as well.

Life's good right now. At least I feel that I am alive.
I feel blood flowing through my veins, feel oxygen filling my lungs.
And I feel good. Really good, even though most of the time I feel quite surreal and unrealistic.

I'm doing something I've never done before.
I'm also doing something I've done a million times before.

I've taken a break from Internet, my computer is broken and I can get it repaired any day, but I am not doing it for unknown reasons. I guess, I just need to live a slightly different life, to get myself sorted out.

But I guess I'll be back soon.
I miss you, but I like the way I am living now as well.
I don't know how to explain everything, because there's a lot to be explained.

Anyways, to cut a long story short:
 - I am still alive
 - I miss you
 - I am very thankful to those who wondered where I was and texted me, thank you luvs, it made me feel really good and happy.

And I want to say one huge, immense, immeasurable THANK YOU  to Nan.
You know that when I am with you, I am not a turtle. You mean so much for me.

a green apple
many cups of caramel tea
my newly acquired obsessions

bathing milk with apple scent
as a small gift for myself
for this week

-----

a gift from mom
amazingly relaxing aroma-massage
and 3 appointments for the next week, as well

3 books by Irvin D. Yalom, 1 by Burn, 2 by israel authors
going to open the first one, by Yalom
listening to Scorpions

-----

going to enjoy
every day in my life
doing exactly what I want to do

P.S.: Myra, thank you a lot for the lay
it's very nice, I really like it
thanks, dear

------

P.P.S.: minus 6-7 during this week.

I hate wasting time on nothing,
And yet I am so damn good at it.

Tomorrow Uni starts again,
And, to be brutally honest, I am glad.

It'll take my time, make me busy, if I bother studying.
And I will be a little less useless than I usually am.

Tomorrow is a 'new fucking start', as always.
And now I have to go many more steps down.

I wonder, why I can't be who I want to be.

No, really, I am exactly the opposite
Of who I would like to be.
How ironic, damn it.

Fuck, anyone, gimme a gun?

I cannot cry because I know 
That's weakness in your eyes.
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life.
(c) 

I simply don't want to be a pain in the ass.
And I know I am. I am sick and tired of it.

P.S.: Nan, when I am with you, I am not faking; you know it. Thank you for being with me.

Wow, baby, you managed to surprise me. Deleting my account from your contacts was a very weird thing to be done. But I don't regret, because that's what I was aiming at, right? Right? Guess so. I'm disappointed even more, knowing that I wish my life were like in Beyond Boundaries, and it never will be. I'd better stop believing in fairytales, it's so naive. But it's so me.